A Little Reflection...

Another year later. How is that possible? I feel like my life stopped on this day two years ago, but at the same time, it was only when this all began. 

As many of you may know, today is National Suicide Awareness Day, but it’s also a day that holds a lot of value and meaning to me personally, because it’s also my own personal anniversary… for when I was admitted to the adolescent psych ward for suicide myself. 

Two years ago, on September 10th, 2012, I thought I was fine. I was going to die, and I was okay with that. But I didn’t necessarily know the difference between if I wished to really kill myself or if I just wanted to find a way out; they were both the same to me. Through the most unforgettable following 17 days while hospitalized, I realized all I really needed was to escape my environment, and I found a comfortable "homey" feeling to being in the mental ward. I miss it. I really do—never had I felt more myself than I did there, and it was extremely hard to adapt back into the reality of society after being in such a fantasy for so long. Time doesn't exist when you are in there. Nothing beyond the hospital's walls seems to, really. God, I remember this day so clearly two years ago. The lunch I didn’t eat, the classes I couldn’t take notes in, the faculty member that walked me to the office, and the previous english teacher I ran to when I realized they were going to take me away. It’s hard to reflect without romanticizing and remember without realizing that maybe I’m not better at all. Think about it… sure, I hit my lowest point on this date, but it was all the times and endless nights after September 2012, after my eyes had been opened to a world of wistful souls that struggled with an immense amount of similar issues and those way out of my realm. I guess the biggest difference is now I am more aware of it. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever see those people again, all the other patients I grew close to there. I don’t even know if some are still alive, or if they finally succeeded in their deepest, darkest desires of death. All I know is that they’ve affected me in ways I never thought possible. I live my life today with them in the back of my mind, in a safe corner of my heart, and secretly, I look for them in everyone, everywhere I go. Part of me hopes the universe allows them back into my life. I just need to know how they’re doing, and if the last two years have been as kind to them as I feel they have been to me. Yes, there were definitely new struggles and times where what I saw as “playing with fire” others labeled as an “attempt,” but I feel through it all, I am growing, and I am learning. 

In fact, many great things have happened because of my hospital stay for suicide. The biggest being it brought me to my current (even though I left for college) therapist, the only one I sincerely liked and looked forward to seeing once a week. She’s literally so great. My hospitalization also helped me address things I didn’t even realized had names or were studied in the medical field. It helped me feel less crazy. 

I got a tattoo the following summer. Music (like many) has proved very powerful in my life, one memory in particular being the boy and his guitar in the lobby, how another patient taught me how to play a song, and how we would sing in the hallways together. 

I redefined myself as an artist and began exploring various mediums and focuses until I found what I loved most: emotion and words among abstract or realistic pieces. Here’s a few examples of what I mean by that: 

I got some senior pictures taken too 

and began the adventurous roller coaster of my senior year of high school, a place I both couldn’t wait to leave but also wish I never had to graduate. It’s a place I call home more than my own house. And right now, I’m searching for a home that I can go to. When you can’t go back and don’t know where you are currently, where do you have to turn to? I’m hoping that mine is somewhere in this city, 

for after what feels like my entire life of dreaming of going here, I finally made it, (three times in one month actually) and still can’t wait to go back. Although my dream of going to college out here didn’t happen, it doesn’t mean grad school won’t or even just life after graduation. I am excited to where this dream will take me. 

I went to prom, too. Twice, actually. Funny, the person I longed to spend the night with my junior year turned into the person that ruined my night senior year. A lot can change, I guess. 

I graduated high school!! (a secret being, I made it by just a few hours, as I took a math final earlier that day). 

I celebrated turning 19 years old in June. One last year of my teens, then onto a new decade of awaited adventures!! 

I remember one reason I felt it would be okay to end my own life was because my youngest brother was only an infant at the time. I believed it would be okay because he wouldn’t remember me; I wouldn’t ruin his childhood or be the reason his parents couldn’t afford to give him all he deserves in life. I wanted the best for him, and I thought the best would be for me to leave. Well, two years later, he did a fantastic job at helping me leave for college. I really miss this guy, and only now realize that I hope he doesn’t forget me too much before Thanksgiving! 

I traded this:

in for this: 

and I went from my childhood bedroom of a million memories 

to a new four walls of memories in the making. 

and beyond what has already happened since then, the good and the bad, I also am starting to have goals again. One being the knowledge that there is so much out there that I have yet to see and experience. I want to see this world I tried so hard to leave and find reason as to why I should stay.

I know that everyone who follows me probably really hates me right now for making such a long post about something nobody else really cares about, but it’s important to me to get it out there; to say it out loud in a safe place, aka tumblr because… where else? 

Basically, today is National Suicide Awareness Day, and it’s also the day I was admitted for suicide. Funny how the universe works like that. 

Treatment's Not Always for Addicts

There are many issues that have been swept under the rug for the past few years, many issues that need to be addressed, many that I need to have completely control over before I leave for college. (And that day is creeping up on me soon!) I have all these great resources to get the help I need here, and I should be taking advantage of those, right? After my hospitalization for a suicide scare in late 2012, I was thrown right back into the hectic world of stress and commitments that made up my junior year of high school. I stopped treatment for an eating disorder out of financial concern; when in reality, I still needed help. Part of me believes I need more help now than I did back then. So, for months, I have been debating whether to finish my senior year strong, or to take some time off and really work on getting better. 

Image source: www.gotceleb.com

When Selena Gomez, 21, recently released news that she spent time at Meadows, a rehab center in Arizona, I was quick to assume her story involved a hidden eating disorder, a dark depression, or an unmanageable addiction of some sort. When in reality, Selena just needed time to herself. Her brave acceptance of that, and even braver decision to seek help, is inspiring. In her own kind words, "It has become clear to me and those close to me that after many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be." Selena simply recognized she was struggling and needed to get away. And that's admiring. Especially when she returned from treatment and uploaded an Instagram photo with the caption, "I'm the happiest I've been in a while. So blessed and thankful for the future." Because it sparks hope. 


So here I am, beyond recognition that I, too, have issues to work on and tackle. Should I follow in the footsteps of Selena and make sure I'm okay before I take a huge step in my life and leave for college this summer? Or, do I continue putting school and work first, believing that one day it'll all just go away and I'll be able to live my life freely? Of course, there are both pros and cons to each option, and I'm just not sure which cons are worth enduring. But learning that Selena checked herself into treatment--for issues that others could easily overlook--has really pushed me to think hard about this and make a final decision soon. 

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Always carry a spare.

Read the tags on nice clothes before washing.

Eat a good breakfast every morning.

Milk goes bad left out.

You can’t change the way boys act.

Microwaving leftovers leads to soggy results.

Vaseline will make it better.

Less is always more.

It’s okay to say no.

You are the most important person in your world.

Your body’s not going to look like this forever,

Take care of it.

Never trust a boy with a condom in his wallet on the first date.

Bread needs time to rise.

We are not mind readers;

Tell us what you’re thinking.

Read the newspaper often.

Ask questions, a lot of questions.

It’s okay to say no.

Addictions are addictive—really.

Push your limits, but set boundaries.

Accept change as it comes,

And embrace change as it goes.

If it doesn’t taste good, just add salt.

You don’t have to live like this.

Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea.

Rain will make the flowers grow.

Let the dead be dead.

It’s okay to say no.

If you never ask, the answer will always be no.

Scholarships are always available.

People change.

Don’t be careless; just care less.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Remember to take care of yourself often.

Your body wants you alive even when you don’t want to be.

It’s okay to cry; breathe and count to ten.

Put your hand on your heart; you feel that? It’s beating.

{MS}

I took an English course last semester, where our teacher had us read the short story/poem "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid. We were supposed to be inspired to write our own "Girl," or a list of all the things our mother, father, coach, aunt, etc. tells us. However, when I sat down to write about all the things my mother told me, I realized her words have done nothing but destroy me. Her words... they were corrupt and cold. And it hurt to think about them because it brought too many memories back. So, I took this assignment one step further and also wrote a "Girl" piece about all the things I needed someone to tell me. All the things I need to be telling myself. 

Troian Tackles Taboos: Her Brave Confession

Troian Bellisario, a 28 year-old thriving actress, has been one of my inspirations since 2010, when she landed her breakout role as Spencer Hastings in ABC Family’s, Pretty Little Liars. Since the pilot, I have found I both related to Spencer’s perfectionistic and panicky outbreaks, as well as looked up to her perseverance and resilient skills. In fact, the reason I achieved all A’s my sophomore year was because I was trying to be a real life Spencer. I saw all of this fictional character’s strengths and believed it was possible to bring her to life. What I failed to see is that Spencer is a combination of wardrobe designers, makeup artists, scriptwriters, directors, and Troian herself. So, instead, I began to look up to Troian not for being Spencer, but for being who she really is. 

It’s funny, as I learned more about the real Troian, I realized she’s actually got quite a lot in common with her role as Spencer: “I grew up in a very wealthy family around a very wealthy group of people. My high school was a private school where you went to an Ivy League. So I grew up never being okay with a ‘B’ because a ‘B’ wasn’t good enough…and, I think Spencer is kind of in that. She’s in this beautiful, golden cage where everybody just says ‘you have everything so you have no excuse to trip up.’” This pressure put on her as an adolescent is fairly common, and going to a similar private school with similar expectations, I can easily understand how she might have felt; and why Troian chose now to finally speak up about the underlying struggles that also occurred during her own high school years.

Troian at Seventeen's cover unveil in Barnes and Noble, NY. Image source: http://justfabzz.com/

In Seventeen’s most recent issue, Troian revealed what she was like when she was 17 in her raw and personal interview. For the first time, Troian opened up about her past, more specifically, her self-destruction: “I became imprisoned.” The pressure to be perfect led to both self-harm and an eating disorder. Troian admits to Seventeen, “I started self-harming when I was a junior. I would withhold food or withhold going out with my friends, based on how well I did that day in school. It was about wanting to be perfect to everybody. I thought if I ever expressed [to my parents] any sadness or anger or anything that’s going on with me, they would disown me. I kept a lot of it bottled up inside, and it turned into self-destructive behavior.”

What I admire the most is her empowerment to speak up about what’s way too often considered a taboo topic, something swept under the rug along with other family secrets. And her honesty in sharing her story makes me love her even more. I know I’m not the only fan of hers that may be going through similar struggles, and her brave article helps us realize that we are not alone, that there is hope thanks to Troian’s openness and conquered confidence in her own skin; for she is an inspiration to all. We love you, T!

I Think I Need a Sunrise

It is so easy to feel alone. In a world, where everyone is subconsciously concerned with him or herself, it can feel lonely at times, especially those times when you don't necessarily wish to care for your own self. We've all felt this way; it's normal. And right now, I feel very alone. I'm sitting in the corner of a library, perpetually hiding. Hiding from peers, certain commitments, feared judgment, everything. It's been a hard few days here in the frozen tundra of MN. (Thank goodness for the heat wave today, and by that, I mean it was only -15°F this morning). What's hard about feeling this way is that others don't notice it. I'm still here, sitting at lunch and working in class, like always. I'm still laughing and participating when a teacher calls my name. So naturally, you'd think, how could I be alone? Why do I feel this way? And why now?

There's a teacher at my school who recently announced she's leaving. She made the decision to start over somewhere new. Her reasoning seemed simple: she wasn't happy living here, and after a reasonable time to adjust, she's decided to find a new home. And I admire her for that. I envy her, even, because I wish I could start over somewhere else as well. Sure, I have college next year; and as exciting as that can be, it's also terrifying. Maybe I need to do what this teacher is doing: start over, move somewhere where nobody knows my name or where I come from. There's nothing left for me here, and instead of letting that sink and rot inside of me, I'll use it to my advantage and search for a home where I won't feel so sad and alone.

It's also important to keep perspective in mind. Will this matter in a year from now? In 365 days, will I still be hiding in the library, feeling alone and scared, on the verge of giving up? Well... next year at this time, I'll be in a new city, a new environment, a new home. It's just worrisome right now, because I don't know where this new home will be. It's the uncertainty of it all that's so hard because it's like driving with your eyes closed. I like to know where I'm going. Sure, it's quite possible I could still feel this way, but it'll be different because I'll be different. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be so alone there.

Rising Above Hollywood's Status Quo

Ever watched an interview of Jennifer Lawrence? Well, you should. They're full of raw and real humorous comments. Every interview I've watched, (and trust me, it's a very large number), she constantly has to throw in, "My publicist is going to kill me for saying that." Yet, she continues to be truthful and honest, which is so refreshing to see. I think that's one of the reasons why she is so highly loved by fans, because she is not like all the other branded actresses out there in the hectic life of Hollywood. 

The very talented Jennifer Lawrence made her big break two years ago, when she landed the main role in the movie, The Hunger Games. With a rapidly growing group of supporters and fans, primarily made up of young girls, Lawrence had successfully challenged society's status quo of what a typical Hollywood celebrity would need to eat, dress, say, believe, and overall, do. So many young individuals look up to her as a strong warrior because of her first big role as Katniss, who breaks through the stereotype that girls are weak and inferior to boys. Katniss is seen as a strong, smart, and independent woman, who ultimately survives more than just a game; she survives the struggles thrown at her. Followers of Lawrence see her portrayed as Katniss and come to believe they can achieve whatever dream they have; for if Katniss can do it, they certainly can as well. 

A major reason why I greatly respect miss Jennifer Lawrence is because she promises to never diet for an acting role. This issue broke out after the premiere of the first Hunger Games, for some believed she looked "too healthy" to play the part of Katniss. Lawrence worked on getting fit and strong for training and filming, rather than dropping a few pounds. Lawrence tells ELLE Magazine in a 2012 interview, "I don't want little girls to be like, 'Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I'm going to skip dinner. That's something I was really conscious of during training." Unlike the majority of Hollywood, Lawrence maintains a healthy, womanly body figure; and hopefully young girls, who may be struggling with fitting into their own role in life, will admire and aim to be like her--rather than an actress say like, Natalie Portman, who (as wonderful as she is) dropped 20 pounds to fit her role in The Black Swan. In Hollywood, Lawrence is considered a fat actress. I guess since you can't see her ribs sticking out when she's on the beach, she's overweight. WHAT? That's normal. Hollywood carries such a hypocritical attitude, where celebrities are called out for looking too fat, so they lose weight. But then they are proceeded to be called too skinny, and rumors of celebrities suffering from eating disorders arise. It's a body-image mindset cycle of Hollywood that seems impossible to escape, at least for many actresses constantly scrutinized in tabloids. But at the same time, Hollywood is making fun of people for looking normal, for looking like us, their fans. Lawrence does a nice job at addressing this issue, and I hope many other fans of hers acknowledge her values and fresh perspective in our skewed society.  

Welcome!

Ah, it appears you have stumbled across my newly created blog! After four years of dedicatedly running a Tumblr blog (click here), I realized it is time to find a place where my rants and views can be organized and openly expressed,  as I search for my place in this world. The other night as I rummaged through old journals, searching for pieces to the puzzle of my late adolescence, I came across some insight from the younger-me: I guess I love imperfections and stories too much, because I solely wish to become one imperfect fable of a girl. So here is my imperfect fable. I have too many over-thinking thoughts in my mind, and a small vent every so often on Tumblr doesn't do it justice. So, I found myself here. And maybe, you'll find yourself here, too. At the moment, I just hope there is someone out there who hasn't already closed this tab and is still reading this. Thank you, I can promise you there will be better posts to come :)