I Think I Need a Sunrise

It is so easy to feel alone. In a world, where everyone is subconsciously concerned with him or herself, it can feel lonely at times, especially those times when you don't necessarily wish to care for your own self. We've all felt this way; it's normal. And right now, I feel very alone. I'm sitting in the corner of a library, perpetually hiding. Hiding from peers, certain commitments, feared judgment, everything. It's been a hard few days here in the frozen tundra of MN. (Thank goodness for the heat wave today, and by that, I mean it was only -15°F this morning). What's hard about feeling this way is that others don't notice it. I'm still here, sitting at lunch and working in class, like always. I'm still laughing and participating when a teacher calls my name. So naturally, you'd think, how could I be alone? Why do I feel this way? And why now?

There's a teacher at my school who recently announced she's leaving. She made the decision to start over somewhere new. Her reasoning seemed simple: she wasn't happy living here, and after a reasonable time to adjust, she's decided to find a new home. And I admire her for that. I envy her, even, because I wish I could start over somewhere else as well. Sure, I have college next year; and as exciting as that can be, it's also terrifying. Maybe I need to do what this teacher is doing: start over, move somewhere where nobody knows my name or where I come from. There's nothing left for me here, and instead of letting that sink and rot inside of me, I'll use it to my advantage and search for a home where I won't feel so sad and alone.

It's also important to keep perspective in mind. Will this matter in a year from now? In 365 days, will I still be hiding in the library, feeling alone and scared, on the verge of giving up? Well... next year at this time, I'll be in a new city, a new environment, a new home. It's just worrisome right now, because I don't know where this new home will be. It's the uncertainty of it all that's so hard because it's like driving with your eyes closed. I like to know where I'm going. Sure, it's quite possible I could still feel this way, but it'll be different because I'll be different. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be so alone there.