I haven’t been writing much on here
lately. There is a reason for that. And today, I want to share it with you
guys.
I have always wanted to be noticed.
Haven’t we all? I grew up watching Disney Channel and their original movies
like Read It & Weep, Stuck in the
Suburbs, and the classic, Lizzie
McGuire Movie. These three examples all have the common plot of a once
nobody becoming a somebody, through an exposed journal, found cellphone, or
Europe pop star look alike. Well, I grew up wanting the same thing: to become a
somebody. I wanted to be both the girl with the exploited diary as well as the
actress playing the character; by that, I mean I wanted to be known, either
through the fictitious way of finding fame or by being an actress. Actually, I
wanted to be an actress more than anything.
My childhood consisted of summer
camps at the Guthrie and the Children’s Theatre. My years in between being a
kid and a teenager are a blur of various auditions, callbacks, headshots, and
afternoons practicing pitch at the piano with my grandma. I had a tendency to
sing flat at times—although I would never admit it at the time. Out of all the
auditions for plays and musicals in my area, I never got a single part. Many
callbacks and close calls, but no one ever chose me.
I believed an agent would fix this.
I remember begging my mom to get me one, because an agent had the power to get
me those auditions to be an extra on Wizards,
Hannah Montana or even Suite Life. That’s
what I really wanted: to be on television, in the movies, the extras in a music
video. Plays were fun and thrilling, but I really wanted to be on a screen.
Modeling was another gateway to this
world. A path I had already gone down as a toddler. That’s right; I modeled. If
you have any Target catalogues from the late 90s, (no idea why you would but),
I’m in there. I have few memories of these days, but I do remember some shoots,
some outfit changes, and the toys I played with in front of a white background.
As a teenager, I craved this spotlight once more. So I got some headshots taken
and looked up agencies. However, it’s a lot harder to enter the world of
modeling again without anyone there to help you. My mother has always had a
tendency to say she’ll do something, but never will. And at such an age of dependency
still on your parents, I never modeled again and instead, became very sick.
Fast-forward a few years. After I
recover a little, graduate high school, move out and begin college. Over the
years I both learned my singing was never that phenomenal (despite the summers
of voice lessons and voice therapy) and that stress, depression, and an eating
disorder can have many effects on your body, including your vocal chords. Mine
are permanently damaged. There goes that 2nd grade dream of becoming
the next Hilary Duff.
So at 19, I realized I would never
be a singer on Radio Disney, or an actress on Disney Channel, even after all
the afternoons spent in front of the bathroom mirror practicing my “and you’re
watching Disney Channel” move with my hairbrush. Sure, I did 4 musicals in
junior high, but I never got a major part. I couldn’t sing, I wasn’t that
talented, and let’s be honest, I was quite a shy, awkward, and uncomfortable
child in my own skin.
I believe being shy overpowered my
ambition to be someone. I also believe that there are still more options to
getting where I want to be. I understand how this might be hard to “get” and I
don’t want it to sound as if I’m saying “I want to be famous!” because it’s
not. I want to be known, a someone. That’s completely different. A major reason
why I write is because I think all writers carry the common desire to seek
immortality. We never want to be forgotten so we write as a way to live
forever.
I’m a writer, and I’m confident
saying that while writing this.
But I have recently discovered a
different and hopefully successful way at making this childhood fantasy a
reality. It’s the reason this blog hasn’t been updated as much. And that reason
is: YOUTUBE. I finally started my own channel! I
remember all the embarrassing videos posted in Middle School, and with those, I
remember all the connections I made with other people online from all around
the world. YouTube has one of the most supportive and expanding communities
online, and when Tumblr has a more personal and limited audience access, I
wanted to expand my world to a more broad and public environment.
I have found ease with talking to a
camera. There are no nerves. It’s comfortable and easy. I feel confident doing
it and even fine at watching myself in the footage and listening to my voice
while editing, both things I hated to see and listen to in the past. My shyness
doesn’t limit me, as it did for auditions, social settings in school, or when I
was too scared to tell people that I really actually wanted to be like Emma
Roberts with her own show or audition like Miley Cyrus when she got her big
break. I’m comfortable now sharing this.
So I’m writing this for a few
reasons. The first is to say “I’m alive!” and I apologize for not writing as
much on here. I tend to write a lot on my Tumblr, so you can follow me on there
for more blog posts! (and emotional breakdown rants). The second reason is to
share my YouTube Channel with you guys. I’m very proud of all I have
accomplished with it so far, and I would love your support. I have never put
such personal and raw material out there in the world, and it’s getting
wonderful responses. And the third reason is although becoming a somebody felt
beyond impossible as a child, stuck without a single acting gig, singing range,
modeling agency, published diary, found cellphone or celebrity twin, there are
still other ways of being remembered and known. YouTube is a great network for
this. It’s a place where you can completely be yourself and that’s riveting. I
no longer feel as alone and the people I have gotten to know through YouTube
have already had such a positive effect on my life. I have found a way to be
someone and be on a screen—like I’ve
always wanted—even though it’s in a different way than I grew up imagining. Who
knows though, YouTube is a door to many opportunities if you work hard enough.
This is just the beginning.
I wanted to make a quick note that
I will still be writing on this blog. It might not be as frequently, but I
still write a tremendous amount, and when a good topic for a blog post comes to
me (like this one tonight), I want to share it on here. I hope you understand.
Stay
connected with me through my social media sites:
YouTube: Makayla Samountry
Tumblr: shootingstarsgivehope.tumblr.com
Twitter: @makaykay_sam
Facebook: www.facebook.com/makaykay17
Email: makaylaksamountry@gmail.com
