I Think I Need a Sunrise

It is so easy to feel alone. In a world, where everyone is subconsciously concerned with him or herself, it can feel lonely at times, especially those times when you don't necessarily wish to care for your own self. We've all felt this way; it's normal. And right now, I feel very alone. I'm sitting in the corner of a library, perpetually hiding. Hiding from peers, certain commitments, feared judgment, everything. It's been a hard few days here in the frozen tundra of MN. (Thank goodness for the heat wave today, and by that, I mean it was only -15°F this morning). What's hard about feeling this way is that others don't notice it. I'm still here, sitting at lunch and working in class, like always. I'm still laughing and participating when a teacher calls my name. So naturally, you'd think, how could I be alone? Why do I feel this way? And why now?

There's a teacher at my school who recently announced she's leaving. She made the decision to start over somewhere new. Her reasoning seemed simple: she wasn't happy living here, and after a reasonable time to adjust, she's decided to find a new home. And I admire her for that. I envy her, even, because I wish I could start over somewhere else as well. Sure, I have college next year; and as exciting as that can be, it's also terrifying. Maybe I need to do what this teacher is doing: start over, move somewhere where nobody knows my name or where I come from. There's nothing left for me here, and instead of letting that sink and rot inside of me, I'll use it to my advantage and search for a home where I won't feel so sad and alone.

It's also important to keep perspective in mind. Will this matter in a year from now? In 365 days, will I still be hiding in the library, feeling alone and scared, on the verge of giving up? Well... next year at this time, I'll be in a new city, a new environment, a new home. It's just worrisome right now, because I don't know where this new home will be. It's the uncertainty of it all that's so hard because it's like driving with your eyes closed. I like to know where I'm going. Sure, it's quite possible I could still feel this way, but it'll be different because I'll be different. And maybe, just maybe, I won't be so alone there.

Rising Above Hollywood's Status Quo

Ever watched an interview of Jennifer Lawrence? Well, you should. They're full of raw and real humorous comments. Every interview I've watched, (and trust me, it's a very large number), she constantly has to throw in, "My publicist is going to kill me for saying that." Yet, she continues to be truthful and honest, which is so refreshing to see. I think that's one of the reasons why she is so highly loved by fans, because she is not like all the other branded actresses out there in the hectic life of Hollywood. 

The very talented Jennifer Lawrence made her big break two years ago, when she landed the main role in the movie, The Hunger Games. With a rapidly growing group of supporters and fans, primarily made up of young girls, Lawrence had successfully challenged society's status quo of what a typical Hollywood celebrity would need to eat, dress, say, believe, and overall, do. So many young individuals look up to her as a strong warrior because of her first big role as Katniss, who breaks through the stereotype that girls are weak and inferior to boys. Katniss is seen as a strong, smart, and independent woman, who ultimately survives more than just a game; she survives the struggles thrown at her. Followers of Lawrence see her portrayed as Katniss and come to believe they can achieve whatever dream they have; for if Katniss can do it, they certainly can as well. 

A major reason why I greatly respect miss Jennifer Lawrence is because she promises to never diet for an acting role. This issue broke out after the premiere of the first Hunger Games, for some believed she looked "too healthy" to play the part of Katniss. Lawrence worked on getting fit and strong for training and filming, rather than dropping a few pounds. Lawrence tells ELLE Magazine in a 2012 interview, "I don't want little girls to be like, 'Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I'm going to skip dinner. That's something I was really conscious of during training." Unlike the majority of Hollywood, Lawrence maintains a healthy, womanly body figure; and hopefully young girls, who may be struggling with fitting into their own role in life, will admire and aim to be like her--rather than an actress say like, Natalie Portman, who (as wonderful as she is) dropped 20 pounds to fit her role in The Black Swan. In Hollywood, Lawrence is considered a fat actress. I guess since you can't see her ribs sticking out when she's on the beach, she's overweight. WHAT? That's normal. Hollywood carries such a hypocritical attitude, where celebrities are called out for looking too fat, so they lose weight. But then they are proceeded to be called too skinny, and rumors of celebrities suffering from eating disorders arise. It's a body-image mindset cycle of Hollywood that seems impossible to escape, at least for many actresses constantly scrutinized in tabloids. But at the same time, Hollywood is making fun of people for looking normal, for looking like us, their fans. Lawrence does a nice job at addressing this issue, and I hope many other fans of hers acknowledge her values and fresh perspective in our skewed society.  

Welcome!

Ah, it appears you have stumbled across my newly created blog! After four years of dedicatedly running a Tumblr blog (click here), I realized it is time to find a place where my rants and views can be organized and openly expressed,  as I search for my place in this world. The other night as I rummaged through old journals, searching for pieces to the puzzle of my late adolescence, I came across some insight from the younger-me: I guess I love imperfections and stories too much, because I solely wish to become one imperfect fable of a girl. So here is my imperfect fable. I have too many over-thinking thoughts in my mind, and a small vent every so often on Tumblr doesn't do it justice. So, I found myself here. And maybe, you'll find yourself here, too. At the moment, I just hope there is someone out there who hasn't already closed this tab and is still reading this. Thank you, I can promise you there will be better posts to come :)